Lost

A farmer stood leaning on a fence at the edge of his property. He watched as a red sports car came over the top of a hill and followed the road up to the spot where he stood. The driver pulled over to the side of the road and called out to the farmer. “Do you know how I can get to Route 91?” the driver asked. The farmer thought for a few seconds. Then he said, “Nope.” “Do you know where the nearest turnpike entrance is?” the driver asked. “Nope.” “How about the town of Hadley. Do you know which direction it is from here?” “Nope.” Exasperated, the driver raced his engine. “You don’t know very much, do you?” he said. “Nope,” the farmer replied. “But I’m not lost.”

The Boss

The boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect.

The next day, he brought a small sign that Read: “I’m the Boss !”

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: “Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”

I Love You, Sweetheart

There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, “How many of you love your husbands?”

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn’t remember. The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: ‘I love you, sweetheart.’

Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?

2. What now? Did you crash the car again?

3. I don’t understand what you mean?

4. What did you do now? I won’t forgive you this time!!!

5. ?!?

6. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

7. Am I dreaming? ???????

8. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today…!!!

9. I asked you not to drink anymore!!

and the best one…

10. Who is this?

A Blind Man

A blind man wanders into a Female Biker Bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it’s only fair, given that you’ re blind, that you should know five things:

1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3) I’m a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?’

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters….

‘No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’

Intelligent Dogs

Two women, who are dog owners, are bragging about the intelligence of their dogs.

First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for a paper boy to come around and then he takes
a newspaper and brings it to me.

Second woman: I know

First one: How?
Second one: My dog told me

A Romantic Text

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you." The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."