Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband.
When I showed him the photos, his face lit up.
“Wow, look at that!” he said with appreciation. “It’s my old Plymouth!”
A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle Of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.
The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing. The tribesman began to speak…”woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h.”.
“That’s amazing” exclaimed the father.
“You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground”?
“No”, said the old tribesman. “They just ran over me five minutes ago”!
Top Ten Reason God Created Eve:
#10 God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he would not ask for directions.
#9 God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don’t want to see what’s ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)
#8 God knew that Adam would never make a doctor’s appointment.
#7 God knew that when Adam’s fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for him self.
#6 God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
#5 God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.
#4 As “keeper of the garden,” Adam would need help in finding his tools.
#3 Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything else that was really his fault.
#2 As the Bible says: “It is not good for man to be alone.”
#1 And the #1 reason of all (Tada, drum roll, fanfare, etc.) God stepped back, looked at Adam and declared: “I can do better than that.”
The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.”
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “Why, nothing,” Peter replied, “remember, this is your reward in Heaven.”
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth.
“What are the greens fees?”, grumbled the old man.
“This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You can play for free, every day.”
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
“Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter to the man. “This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.”
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?” he asked.
“That’s the best part,” St. Peter replied. “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!”
The old man pushed, “No gym to work out at?”
“Not unless you want to,” was the answer.
“No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…”
“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”
The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your bran muffins.
We could have been here ten years ago!
A midget went to the corner bar one night ordering the strongest drink available. Once he had finished the drink, he asked who was the strongest man in the room. When the bartender pointed the man out, the midget approached the man, picked a fight, and whipped him. The next night the midget returned. Again, he ordered the strongest drink, picked a fight with the strongest man and won. Being concerned about the loss of business, the bartender decided he needed to take some kind of measures to end the midget’s visits. He had a large… mean…. gorilla delivered and placed in the men rest room. That night after the midget had finished his drink, the bartender told him the strongest was in the rest room. There were painful moans and loud noises echoing from the rest room just shortly after the midget had entered. Then, the midget came out…….walked up to the bartender and said………”whenever that guy wakes up, tell him I put his fur coat in the trash can”.
A man once spent days looking for his new hat.Finally, he decided that he’d go to church on Sunday and sit at the back.
During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about
the 10 commandments.He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited
until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.“Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost.
But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my
mind.”The minister said, “Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach
‘Thou shall not steal,’ that changed your heart?”The man responded, “No, it was the one on adultery.
When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat.”
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road.
The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters “UFO” were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.
As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blond attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.
“Do you realize what just happened?” the station owner finally uttered.
“Yeah,” said the attendant. “So?”
“Didn’t you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!”
“Yeah,” repeated the attendant. “So?”
“Didn’t you see the letters ‘UFO’ on the side of that vehicle?!”
“Yeah,” repeated the attendant. “So?”
“Don’t you know what ‘UFO’ means?!”
The attendant rolled his eyes. “Good grief, boss! I’ve been working here for six years. Of course I know what ‘UFO’ means ‘Unleaded Fuel Only.’”
Swampy Marsh, the young Australian father-to-be, is waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife is having their first baby. He is pacing the floor when the nurse comes out and says, “You have a little boy, Mr. Marsh, but you had better go out and have a cup of coffee, because there may be another one.”Swampy turns a little pale and leaves.
Some time later he phones the hospital and is told that he the father of twins, but the nurse cautions, “There is another on the way, so call back later.”
At that Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough, so he goes to a bar and has some beer. When he phones the hospital gain he is told that the third baby has arrived and a fourth is on the way. White-faced, he stumbles to the bar and orders a double scotch.
Twenty minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so drunk that he dials the wrong number and gets the recorded cricket game score. When they pick him up off the floor the recording is still going strong:
“The score is ninety-six all out,” says the voice, “and the last one was a duck.”
A man was sentenced to prison and placed in his new cell. At lights Out, he and his cellmate were chatting. In the background, the man Could hear other prisoners talking in the darkness.Before long, one of the inmates shouted “27!” Peals of laughter soon Followed. Not long afterward, another inmate shouted “318!” and was Answered with even more laughter.
Intrigued, the man asked his cellmate, “What’s the deal with calling Out numbers?”
“Well you gotta understand, man,” said his cellmate. “Most of the guys In this wing have been in here for 20 years or more. So eventually you Run out of new jokes to tell. Everyone’s heard them all. In fact we All have them memorized, and we’ve worked out a system where each joke Is numbered. If you want to tell one, all you need to do is call out The number.”
The new prisoner chuckled. “Wow, that’s pretty neat.
You think I can Give it a try?”“Sure, newbie,” his cellmate responded. “Give it a shot.”
So the man waited for a lull, then yelled out “278!”
Nothing.
He tried again. “415!”
Dead silence.
The man was perplexed. He turned to his cellmate and asked, “Hey, what’s the deal here?”
“What can I say, man,” his cellmate replied. “Some people just can’t Tell a joke.”
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor came out of his house and went straight to the mailbox. The neighbor opened it,looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.A little later the neighbor came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house the neighbor went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here came his neighbor again! The neighbor marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed… harder than ever!
Puzzled by his neighbor’s actions, the man asked,
“Is something wrong?”
To which his neighbor replied,
“There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!”
