Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband.
When I showed him the photos, his face lit up.
“Wow, look at that!” he said with appreciation. “It’s my old Plymouth!”
A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle Of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.
The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing. The tribesman began to speak…”woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h.”.
“That’s amazing” exclaimed the father.
“You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground”?
“No”, said the old tribesman. “They just ran over me five minutes ago”!
Top Ten Reason God Created Eve:
#10 God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he would not ask for directions.
#9 God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don’t want to see what’s ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)
#8 God knew that Adam would never make a doctor’s appointment.
#7 God knew that when Adam’s fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for him self.
#6 God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
#5 God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.
#4 As “keeper of the garden,” Adam would need help in finding his tools.
#3 Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything else that was really his fault.
#2 As the Bible says: “It is not good for man to be alone.”
#1 And the #1 reason of all (Tada, drum roll, fanfare, etc.) God stepped back, looked at Adam and declared: “I can do better than that.”
The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.”
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “Why, nothing,” Peter replied, “remember, this is your reward in Heaven.”
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth.
“What are the greens fees?”, grumbled the old man.
“This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You can play for free, every day.”
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
“Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter to the man. “This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.”
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?” he asked.
“That’s the best part,” St. Peter replied. “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!”
The old man pushed, “No gym to work out at?”
“Not unless you want to,” was the answer.
“No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…”
“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”
The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your bran muffins.
We could have been here ten years ago!
A midget went to the corner bar one night ordering the strongest drink available. Once he had finished the drink, he asked who was the strongest man in the room. When the bartender pointed the man out, the midget approached the man, picked a fight, and whipped him. The next night the midget returned. Again, he ordered the strongest drink, picked a fight with the strongest man and won. Being concerned about the loss of business, the bartender decided he needed to take some kind of measures to end the midget’s visits. He had a large… mean…. gorilla delivered and placed in the men rest room. That night after the midget had finished his drink, the bartender told him the strongest was in the rest room. There were painful moans and loud noises echoing from the rest room just shortly after the midget had entered. Then, the midget came out…….walked up to the bartender and said………”whenever that guy wakes up, tell him I put his fur coat in the trash can”.
