Answering Machine Messages at Mental Health Services

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hot line …"

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on
the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to
the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until
a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone,
number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden
name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y &
c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too
busy to talk to you."

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s