The Boss

The boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect.

The next day, he brought a small sign that Read: “I’m the Boss !”

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: “Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”

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I Love You, Sweetheart

There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, “How many of you love your husbands?”

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn’t remember. The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: ‘I love you, sweetheart.’

Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?

2. What now? Did you crash the car again?

3. I don’t understand what you mean?

4. What did you do now? I won’t forgive you this time!!!

5. ?!?

6. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

7. Am I dreaming? ???????

8. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today…!!!

9. I asked you not to drink anymore!!

and the best one…

10. Who is this?

4 Or 6 Slices

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said ‘Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

The Fridge!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a Sign on it saying: ‘Free to good home. You want it, you take it.’ For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.

So he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $50.’

The next day someone stole it!

The Burglar

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the
burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.

“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into
the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do
that for years!”

What My Mother Taught Me:

TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside – I just
finished cleaning!”

RELIGION:
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

TIME TRAVEL:
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into
the middle of next week!”

LOGIC:
“Because I said so, that’s why.”

FORESIGHT:
“Make sure you wear clean Underwear, in case you’re in an
accident.”

IRONY:
“Keep laughing and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

OSMOSIS:
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”

CONTORTIONISM:
“Will you “look” at the dirt on the back of your neck!”

STAMINA:
“You’ll sit there ’til all that spinach is finished.”

WEATHER:
“It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”

PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
“If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you;
would you listen then?”

HYPOCRISY:
“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times –
don’t exaggerate!!!”

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
“Stop acting like your father!”

Will I Live to see 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age.
I am past Sixty Five.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking her, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 80?’
She asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?’
‘Oh no,’ I replied. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’
Then she asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?’
‘I said, ‘Not much… My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’
‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’
‘No, I don’t,’ I said.
She asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?’
‘No,’ I said…
She looked at me smiled and said, ‘Then, what’s the point?