Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though he knew that he was not speeding…
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot,
driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
 Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail’s pace…

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

You can’t fix stupid.

Advertisements

Will I Live to see 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age.
I am past Sixty Five.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking her, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 80?’
She asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?’
‘Oh no,’ I replied. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’
Then she asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?’
‘I said, ‘Not much… My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’
‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’
‘No, I don’t,’ I said.
She asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?’
‘No,’ I said…
She looked at me smiled and said, ‘Then, what’s the point?

Gas Prices!

A man traveling in southern Indiana was headed for the Kentucky border …
when he saw a large sign, , , , “LAST CHANCE FOR $3.65 GAS!!!”

He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he’d better take
advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his tank.

As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, “How much is gas
in Kentucky?”

The attendant replied, ” $3.10 “.

Wrong Change

A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his
change, and then goes back and says to the cashier,
“Hey, you gave me the wrong change!”

Cashier: “Sir, you stepped away from the counter. We don’t
make corrections after you leave. There’s nothing I can do
about it now. That’s the policy of this bank !”

Customer: “Well, okay. Just thought you’d like to know you
gave me hundred dollars too much. Bye. “

Stupid answers on an Exam

Student who obtained 0% on an exam (I would have given him 100%)

    Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle

    Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page

    Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid

    Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage

    Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams

    Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner

    Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half

    Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet

    Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.

    Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

    Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands

    Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built.

    Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Funny Marriage Points System

Simple Duties

  • You make sure there’s plenty of gas in the car ( +1)
  • You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station (-1)
  • You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb (+1)
  • You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am just as the truck pulls away (-1)
  • You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish (+1)
  • You leave dishes in the sink (-1)
  • You leave them under the bed (-5)
  • You make the bed (+1)
  • You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
  • You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)
  • You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
  • You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty (0)
  • When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
  • When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
  • You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
  • But return with beer (-5)
  • You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
  • You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing (0)
  • You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something (+5)
  • You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
  • It’s her father … Or her pet (-10)

Social Engagements

  • You stay by her side the entire party (0)
  • You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
  • Named Tiffany (-4)
  • Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
  • Tiffany has implants (or looks like it) (-8)
  • When mingling, you hold your mate’s hand and gaze at her lovingly (+1)
  • When mingling, you introduce her as “the old’ ball and chain” and pat her on the rump (-5)
  • When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, “Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you” (+1)
  • When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she’s attractive, you say, “Yeah, but don’t worry, she’s lousy in bed” (-6)
  • That woman is her sister (-90)
  • You have one drink, and that’s it (0)
  • You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle (-2)
  • You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted (-18)

Things Of A Disgusting Nature

  • You unclog a stopped-up toilet (+6)
  • You clean up cat, dog or human vomit (+7)
  • You get rid of a dead rodent (+8)
  • You remove the collie from the thresher (+12)
  • You take her mother to see Cats (+16)

Saturday Afternoon

  • You go to the mall together (+3)
  • You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car (+4)
  • You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar (-2)
  • You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it (+3)
  • You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional (0)
  • You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk (+3)
  • Most of it chips and beer (-6)
  • You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den (+15)
  • Or refinishing the floors (+16)
  • Or rewiring the basement (+17)
  • Or adding a second floor (+18)
  • Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket (-6)
  • And you’re tickled pink about it (-15)
  • You visit her parents (+1)
  • You visit her parents and actually make conversation (+3)
  • You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television (-3)
  • And the television is off (-6)
  • You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear (-6)
  • And you didn’t even go to college (-10)
  • And it’s not your underwear (-15)

Her Birthday

  • You take her out to dinner (0)
  • You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+1)
  • Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
  • And it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3)
  • It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)
  • You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player (+3)
  • You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing (+4)
  • And you stink (+2)
  • And you’re not half bad (+5)
  • You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you’re escorted out to much applause (-2)
  • You give her a gift (0)
  • You give her a gift, and it’s a small appliance (-10)
  • You give her a gift, and it’s not a small appliance (+1)
  • You give her a gift, and it isn’t chocolate (+2)
  • You give her a gift that you’ll be paying off for months (+30)
  • You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day (-10)
  • With her credit card (-30)
  • And whatever you bought is two sizes too big (-40)

Thoughtfulness

  • You forget her birthday completely (-10)
  • You forget your anniversary (-20)
  • You forget to pick her up at the bus station (-25)
  • Which is in Newark, New Jersey (-35)
  • And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast (-50)

A Night Out With The Boys

  • Go out with a pal (-5)
  • The pal is happily married (-4)
  • Or frighteningly single (-7)
  • And he drives a Mustang (-10)
  • With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) (-15)

A Night Out

  • You take her to a movie (+2)
  • You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
  • You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
  • You take her to a movie you like (-2)
  • It’s called Death Cop 3 (-3)
  • Which features cyborgs having sex (-9)
  • You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique

  • You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
  • You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
  • You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
  • You say “I don’t give a damn because you have one too” (-800)

Grooming

  • You trim your nails (+5)
  • You trim your nails in the living room (-10)
  • You trim your nails and flick them at the cat (-15)
  • You shave on the weekends (+2)
  • You don’t shave on the weekends (-4)
  • You don’t bathe on the weekends either (-8)
  • But then, neither does she (-1)

Driving

  • You lost the directions on a trip (-4)
  • You lost the directions and end up getting lost (-10)
  • You end up getting lost in a bad part of town (-15)
  • You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal (-25)
  • You know them (-60)

The Big Question

  • She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5)
    (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
  • You hesitate in responding (-10)
  • You reply, “Where?” (-35)
  • Any other response (-30)
(A quick pointer, There is no right answer to this question. Mumble something like, “I Love You, honey…”)

Communication

  • When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
  • When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
  • You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)
  • She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep (-20)

Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class  started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math  multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me  to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No,  that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you  asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula  for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:     What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER:      Winnie, name one important thing we have today that  we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than  you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting    with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No,   Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
________________________________
TEACHER:  George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his  hand…..
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you  say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I  don’t have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER:    Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the  same as your brother’s.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER:     Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on  talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher